The Joy of Looking for a Job

NOTE: This column ran in 2002.

Looking for a job can be one of the most humiliating, defeating, ego-bursting, frightening, and humbling experiences there is—and that’s just the time you spend in the outer office, waiting for your turn. Things really fall apart when you go through the actual interview. You forget your name, any skills you ever had, any office equipment you can operate, except for a flush toilet, and just why you are there in the first place.

If you have never stuttered in your life you will during a job interview. You will also ramble endlessly with meaningless drivel and use sentences that are totally unstructured. Your laugh will change from something warm and cultured to a hideous shriek. You will forget simple things—like what you did on your last job. You will call the interviewer by the wrong name. You will say something brilliant to the interviewer, like “Just what is it you guys do here?”

Back in another lifetime when I managed the News-Miner’s North Pole office, I often had the pleasure of interviewing people for openings we had for writers or office help. It was the first time I had been on that side of the desk.

I knew what it was like to be the one being interviewed so I gave these people a lot of leeway and extra points and consideration for just being there. One lady I interviewed in North Pole came with her husband. He did all of the talking. He introduced them both and then answered every question I asked. He did quite well. Unfortunately, he had another job in the Air Force and she was too shy to even answer the phone.

Job seekers came in flip flops and shorts, men’s shirts and rollers. One lit up a cigarette during the interview and one of them cried. One, whose name was Amy, was the daughter of best-selling author LaVyrle Spencer. Since I was right in the middle of Spencer’s book “Hummingbird” that was one of the most enjoyable interviews I ever conducted.

These people all wanted one thing: an honest job.

On Sundays I look through employment ads. They go something like this: Administrative Assistant. Must know Power Point, Access, Excel, FrameMaker, Photo Shop, QuickBooks, PageMaker. Ten years experience, master’s degree, ability to supervise 24 employees and handle building maintenance and janitorial staff required. $7.50 hour. No benefits.

(However, if you are a dental assistant you can probably demand the world.)

During our Coldfoot years I interviewed dozens of people and looked at hundreds of applications. Some were clever and funny, but none as great as the actual job application, below, that was submitted to a McDonald’s in Florida. This 17-year-old landed a job because he was so honest, and so funny.

     Name: Greg Bulmash

     Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

     Desired Position: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

    Desired Salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

     Education: Yes.

     Last Position Held: Target for middle management hostility.

     Salary: Less than I'm worth.

     Most Notable Achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

     May we contact your last employer? If I had one, would I be here?

     Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting 50 pounds?: Of what?

     Do you have a car? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

     Have you received any special awards or recognition? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

     What would you like to be doing in five years? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

     Do you certify that the above is true and complete? Yes. Absolutely.

     Sign here: Aries.

Now this is a fellow who takes life seriously enough to know he needs to work but leaves enough space for important things such as cleverness, optimistic good humor and an upbeat outlook. I’ll bet he’s a great employee. I’ll bet he didn’t even sweat during his interview, let alone trip on the way in and get lost on the way out. He probably remembered his name, and could put 10 words together and have them actually make sense. I would have hired him.