The Perfect Business

Dear Janelle,

I was thinking about you the other day, dear daughter, as you are launching your second "Once Upon a Time" toy store in Seattle's Bellevue Square. I just thought you should know that Lisa and I have discovered the perfect business. Even better than the guy who supposedly set up in a parking lot on city land in London and collected parking money for 25 years.

It's called the Bark Off. As advertised on TV. You have probably seen it. It is, "safe and humane" and stops annoying barking. (Sorry, husbands, not for your wives - it's for the dog.)

The Bark Off is an "ultrasonic training aid" that is portable, has a nifty little wall-mount and uses a nine volt battery (not included). It has two sensitivity levels, high and low, and promises to enable you to "start living a more peaceful life," and who wouldn't like that. The manufacturer declares that it works from 20 feet away and is automatically activated when your dog barks. The dog barks, the doohickey emits a high-pitched screech and, voila!, the dog hears this horrendous noise and thinks, "hey, this barking really must annoy the neighbors. I simply must stop doing it."

I bought one of these in a drugstore, bypassing the television hawkers. I spent $9.99 for it. It isn't a whopping amount of money, just enough that people don't really hesitate. Now, if it was $29.99 I would have balked and decided, nah, I don't need one of those things. Even $15.99 would have made me think twice. But less than $10 - hey, I'll take the gamble.

After I took it out of the package I learned that the Bark Off, sadly, does not work on deaf or hearing impaired-dogs. I said, THE BARK OFF, SADLY,..." Oh, you did hear that.

Well, anyway,... It also doesn't work outside in adverse weather conditions. I live in Alaska. We invented adverse weather conditions. We send them south every chance we get.

So, hmmm, according to everything I've read, the Bark Off doesn't immediately work (give it two or three weeks), doesn't have a little light to show the thing is even working, and, anyway, humans can't hear the high pitched noise. So, for all I know it's just a $10 plastic box that simply ... does nothing.

I like that idea. Invent something that you can't test, can't really tell is functioning, and sell it cheap. Like, maybe, pills you can take to make you a better cook. Like those copper bracelets that were all the rage a few years ago or the magnets you put in your shoes. Do your aches and pains go away because of the magnets and copper, or because you think them away? Viagra -- does it really work or is it the idea and faith that makes it work? That's what Lisa and I want to invent - a placebo with promise that sweeps the country. We'll sell it for $9.99.

In the meantime, I have high hopes for this Bark Off thing.