Dogs with fleas, cats with hairballs

Dear Scooter,

When you came down from Fairbanks to visit Grandma and Grandpa you didn't know you'd spend time fussing over a sick dog and spending time at the vet clinic. But the surgery went well and we're still laughing at the reaction of the other dogs when Maggie showed up sporting her new cone. I know Gunner and Ember were snickering along with us. 
  
Anyway, the whole ordeal reminded me that I once wrote a column about taking dogs to the vet. I thought you'd like it so here it is:  

When the last fledgling left the nest my husband Troy and I stupidly thought we were done with doctor visits. Ha!

As long as there are any dependents breathing in your house you’re doomed to trips to the clinic. Whether you have a dog, cat, bird, snake, hamster, panther or elephant, someday this creature is going to need professional medical advice. And you’re going to have to get it for them.

It is good, before you head to the vet’s office, to figure out what’s wrong with your droopy pet. But trying to get a cat to tell you where it hurts with words won’t work. You can’t say, “Princess, do you have a sore throat?” Instead you have to push and probe and search. You’ll know when you hit the sore spot. MREAU FSST! Get out the Band-Aids.

Have you ever taken a dog’s temperature? Now that’s fun. When you get the thermometer out they think, oh boy!, a new toy! They go around and around, trying to see just what you’re doing back there with the new toy. Wielding the thermometer, you chase them. You can’t tell them to sit, because that would take away the very area you need access to. And most dogs don’t know the command “Stand!” Really, it’s easier to just feel their nose. If it’s hot and dry they have a temperature.

I hate it when I hear our vet say, “We’ll have to get him to open wide.” Oh sure, let me put my hands in his slimy mouth. You do it. You’re getting paid the big bucks.

When you take a kid to the doctor you make sure they’re wearing clean underwear. With a dog you sometimes have to have a plastic baggie with a stool sample. But first you have to get it, which means traipsing around the back yard or climbing into a kennel. Since frozen samples are a no-no, in the winter when it’s 50 below this means almost having to stay with your dog until it does its business.

Now what do you think your dog thinks when you hunker over the steaming pile and use a stick to scrape some doodoo into a bag? Up ‘til then he thought you were a pretty cool dude or dudette but now, gross and yuk. And you yell at him for licking his private parts in front of company.

For a good time, there’s nothing like a vet clinic’s waiting room. That’s where all the strange beasts gather. Usually they have with them their pet bird, snake, dog, cat, hamster, rabbit or pig.

Personally, I think a perfect reality show would feature one of these waiting rooms. The dog wants to chase the cat who wants to eat either the bird of the hamster. The pig squats and leaves a wheelbarrow full of manure at your feet. And the poor snake is no one’s friend. He and his owner are abandoned on one side of the room while everyone else huddles on the other, keeping one eye on this slithering interloper.

Unlike people waiting rooms—well, except for pediatrician offices—there is a lot of yelling going on in an animal waiting room. SIT! I SAID SIT! NOW STAY. I SAID STAY! GET OVER HERE AND SIT! DAMMIT.... (a lot of pets are named Dammit).,

Of course they aren’t going to sit and stay. Except for on TV your 150-pound Newfoundland has never seen a real live guinea pig, let alone smelled one. He might not ever get this chance again.

Of course there’s always some smarty-pants with a dog that does sit and stay. The owner quietly reads a book while the dignified pedigreed dog lays there quietly observing the fracas. This dog doesn’t need a leash. He makes the other pets look like untamed beasts from Wild Kingdom. They’re all a bunch of goofballs straining their leashes trying to smell the next fellow’s rear end.

Let’s say you’re in the waiting room with Bonzo, your macho 2-year-old Great Dane. In comes some woman with an ugly poodle with an overbite and a tacky pink ribbon dangling from one ear. The poodle’s in heat.

Male dogs aren’t subtle. They don’t say, “Hey there, haven’t we met before?” They can leap over buildings with a single bound. They have one thing on their mind. For Bonzo it’s the ugly poodle. Even without any beer, he thinks she is the most gorgeous female he has ever seen. He’s in love.

You might not think pets give much thought to other pets in the room, other than wanting to eat or play with them. But they do. If you bring in your dog and he has a bunch of porcupine quills stuck in his snout I guarantee most of the older dogs there are snorting and thinking, “Man, are you stupid.”

On the other hand, when Roxanne comes in with a broken leg from chasing the moose out of the yard they are all thinking, “Right on Roxanne! You go Girl!”

All the other pets will know if a dog comes in with worms because he’s embarrassed and looks at the floor. And fleas? You can’t hear them, but every beast in the waiting room is chanting, “Riley’s got fleas, Riley’s got fleas!”

Let’s say Sarah the cat has a hairball. A really big hairball. Her owner carries her in and Sarah hacks a few times. Instantly everyone knows what she’s there for and they snicker. Sarah’s a fur-eater. Gross. She tries to convince them she’s got sinus problems.

The parrot, at least, is honest. He bobs up and down in his cage yelling, “Beak rot! I’ve got beak rot! I’ve got beak rot!” To which everyone thinks, “Ah shut up, you stupid bird.”

And the snake with the Band-aid around his belly? Except for a couple of wide-eyed women who are ready to bolt, no one else is paying any attention to the snake.