I went to the store the other day and there was a card table set up in front of a toilet paper display. The red-smocked woman behind it was giving away free samples of pineapple.
Never one to pass up a free sample – isn’t that why most of us shop at Sam’s Club after all? – I stood in line. Well, that’s not true. I was the only one in line, which proved that it must not have been a fruity day.
I felt a bit sorry for the woman in red and her lack of customers. My mind jumped to my last visit to Costco when a wiry fellow with an extravagant comb-over was handing out tiny paper cups of some watery concoction made out of seaweed and vitamins and guaranteed to have been dipped straight from the Fountain of Youth. He declared it was mighty tasty but I declined his proffered cup – politely, of course.
I really didn’t want a slice of pineapple but my daughter insisted I get one so I wandered up to the line and the lady in red. She looked up from where she was straightening her wares and her face broke into a delighted smile.
“Lorraine!” she declared, holding out her arms as if to hug me from afar.
I shook my head. “Nope. Jan. My name is Jan,” I told her.
She looked doubtful. “You’re not Lorraine?”
Maybe she thought I’d forgotten my name that morning…left it home along with the checkbook and the little wad of Kleenex that was slated for the car.
I smiled and told her again that no, my name was Jan, not Lorraine. She peered closely and frowned. “You look just like Lorraine,” she informed me, and then added, “I just saw Lorraine a few minutes ago. Did you change clothes?”
Clearly, she was convinced that I had somehow misplaced my name and that, given time, my mind would pop back to normalcy and I would realize that, by gum, I really was Lorraine.
“Can I have some of that pineapple?” I asked, hoping to get her mind off of the name thing and back to the important task at hand.
She thought about it and finally fished out a little packet of pineapple. She handed it over, but with a bit of trepidation because clearly I was not coming clean with my identity. Maybe she didn’t want to feed a liar.
“You look just like her,” she stated accusingly, with her head cocked just a bit to the left as if maybe a new view of my face would either confirm or deny that I was Lorraine.
“Lorraine works here,” she said, adding that she did think it was odd that Lorraine could walk by just minutes before in her little uniform and suddenly, quick as a wink, be wearing shorts and a t-shirt and sandals and wandering the store just like a normal person.
I thanked her heartily for my pineapple and walked away. I could feel her eyes on me and the arrows of animosity piercing my back. It was not very kind of Lorraine to do this, after all, to pretend she was someone else. As I left the store, the woman in red was totally flummoxed and still staring after me. I’ve wondered ever since what she thought when she encountered the real Lorraine.
Recipe for skunk
You sometimes find the oddest things at garage sales. In this case, along with tables of stuff, a woman was offering skunk recipes. It seems the dog of one of her customers had a close encounter with a little black and white furry beast. The woman used the traditional tomato juice remedy, which did little more than give a tomato scent to the overpowering skunk scent. According to the garage sale woman, this is a better recipe:
1 quart hydrogen peroxide
¼ C baking soda
Dash of Dawn soap
Mix together and wash your pet with a washcloth. Then sit the little bugger down and tell him about skunks.
Quote of the week
Speaking of dogs…
They say the dog is man’s best friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered? (Larry Reeb)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
The joy of diet and exercise
I have to give credit to a recent change in lifestyle to Gary Black, my ex-News-Miner editor. An email from him declared I needed a new mug shot to go with my weekly column.
OK, I have to admit a lot of the credit also goes to my daughter. Lisa is like one of those ex-smokers who are out to change the world, one cigarette at a time.
Diet and exercise was her sermon. All you need is diet and exercise.
I would mentally nod and verbally agree and say, “Mftmpha.” Translated around a mouthful of McDonald’s chocolate chip cookie, this meant, “Uh huh.”
“Tomorrow” is a pre-dieter’s favorite word. We’ll start the blasted diet and exercise thing tomorrow….after the dinner out with friends, the church potluck, when the rhubarb cake is gone.
Tomorrow we’ll start eating lettuce leaves carrots and fat free cheese. Tomorrow we will put on sneakers and huff for a half mile. The trouble for me is that tomorrow never came. I had started “tomorrowing” at least a year before and was happily eating my way into wider jeans.
It took the email from Gary to “tip the scale,” so to speak. Could I come into the office in a couple days for a new mug shot?
What? A couple of days? I dashed to the mirror and took stock. Good grief! This wouldn’t work at all. I needed a haircut and a dye job and, good Lord, what about that chin thing. And those pudgy cheeks?
And what was wrong with my old mug shot that was taken at least six years before, after a lengthy bout of flu yanked off enough pounds to make me at least appear almost thin?
Nope. Gary insisted. I begged for a small reprieve and he, feeling sorry for me, granted me one.
I went into high gear. Out went the bags of cookies and the ice cream in the freezer. The candy bars hidden in the towel drawer were ripped open, thrown in the garbage, and covered with coffee grounds and leftover tomato soup to quell any temptation to dig them back out.
I stocked up on fruit and vegetables and good stuff. I started walking a mile at noon and walking after work. When I was laid off from my job at Alyeska I hiked up the exercise. Five months later I was 30 pounds lighter.
For my birthday in June I got a Bodybugg. Lisa had one and convinced Troy that I would love it. She was right.
A Bodybugg is a slick little doohickey. It velcroes comfortably on my upper left arm and tracks every bit of movement I make. At night the information is downloaded and up pops a graph that looks like an EKG with peaks and valleys. I can see exactly when and how long I did that staggering run/walk. If I zoning out on TV it is pretty much flat-lined.
The Bodybugg is something like 98 percent correct in calculating exercise and calories burned. Food intake is put in by hand and shows the consumption of fat, carbs, and protein. The goal is to burn more calories than you eat.
The funny thing about all this is that the new mug shot never happened. The new job in Wasilla and giving up my News-Miner column took care of needing one.
Update on Lisa
After all sorts of tests, including a heart catheterization, we know that our daughter has a perfectly healthy heart and lungs. Her low pulse rate is a puzzle but doctors do have some clues as to the problem, which thankfully isn’t life or lifestyle threatening. Thank you to everyone who prayed for her.
And finally…A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied: "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first."
OK, I have to admit a lot of the credit also goes to my daughter. Lisa is like one of those ex-smokers who are out to change the world, one cigarette at a time.
Diet and exercise was her sermon. All you need is diet and exercise.
I would mentally nod and verbally agree and say, “Mftmpha.” Translated around a mouthful of McDonald’s chocolate chip cookie, this meant, “Uh huh.”
“Tomorrow” is a pre-dieter’s favorite word. We’ll start the blasted diet and exercise thing tomorrow….after the dinner out with friends, the church potluck, when the rhubarb cake is gone.
Tomorrow we’ll start eating lettuce leaves carrots and fat free cheese. Tomorrow we will put on sneakers and huff for a half mile. The trouble for me is that tomorrow never came. I had started “tomorrowing” at least a year before and was happily eating my way into wider jeans.
It took the email from Gary to “tip the scale,” so to speak. Could I come into the office in a couple days for a new mug shot?
What? A couple of days? I dashed to the mirror and took stock. Good grief! This wouldn’t work at all. I needed a haircut and a dye job and, good Lord, what about that chin thing. And those pudgy cheeks?
And what was wrong with my old mug shot that was taken at least six years before, after a lengthy bout of flu yanked off enough pounds to make me at least appear almost thin?
Nope. Gary insisted. I begged for a small reprieve and he, feeling sorry for me, granted me one.
I went into high gear. Out went the bags of cookies and the ice cream in the freezer. The candy bars hidden in the towel drawer were ripped open, thrown in the garbage, and covered with coffee grounds and leftover tomato soup to quell any temptation to dig them back out.
I stocked up on fruit and vegetables and good stuff. I started walking a mile at noon and walking after work. When I was laid off from my job at Alyeska I hiked up the exercise. Five months later I was 30 pounds lighter.
For my birthday in June I got a Bodybugg. Lisa had one and convinced Troy that I would love it. She was right.
A Bodybugg is a slick little doohickey. It velcroes comfortably on my upper left arm and tracks every bit of movement I make. At night the information is downloaded and up pops a graph that looks like an EKG with peaks and valleys. I can see exactly when and how long I did that staggering run/walk. If I zoning out on TV it is pretty much flat-lined.
The Bodybugg is something like 98 percent correct in calculating exercise and calories burned. Food intake is put in by hand and shows the consumption of fat, carbs, and protein. The goal is to burn more calories than you eat.
The funny thing about all this is that the new mug shot never happened. The new job in Wasilla and giving up my News-Miner column took care of needing one.
Update on Lisa
After all sorts of tests, including a heart catheterization, we know that our daughter has a perfectly healthy heart and lungs. Her low pulse rate is a puzzle but doctors do have some clues as to the problem, which thankfully isn’t life or lifestyle threatening. Thank you to everyone who prayed for her.
And finally…A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied: "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first."
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Last Thursday our daughter, Lisa, visited her doctor for a routine exam. The nurse took her pulse, frowned, and took it two more times before calling in the doctor who also checked it. Her pulse, which should have been between 80 and 100, was 36. This has caused a flurry of medical activity, including five EKGs, two echocardiograms and monitored overnights in ICU. It’s a puzzle and one the cardiologist should be able to figure out tomorrow.
Through all this the phone calls and emails have been abundant. As parents, her father and I are appropriately concerned and there are hundreds of people all over the country praying. Concern causes the voices of friends to be somber and quiet and attentive. No joking here. Things are serious.
Since Troy and I are smack dab in the middle of moving from our beloved Interior Alaska to city life in near-Anchorage, this Lisa news has put things in perspective. I’m not bothering to clean for the movers and will head south tomorrow. Troy declares he can handle the movers and all the rest of the moving ordeal himself. I know he can and that he will do a dandy job of it.
When you’re in the middle of “bad days” or “bad times” it’s easy to let it overwhelm you and take over. It’s hard to step back from it all and look at the whole of things and remember what is important and what isn’t. Work is a means to provide for the things that ARE important… spouses, children, grandchildren (and for me, church and God).
It is easy to get tangled up and stressed over things that aren’t worthy of the attention. Invariably, when we look back a couple of weeks later, we can see how insignificant these things were, how unimportant, how unworthy of the stress. Pretty much none of it is THAT important or THAT vital or even that upsetting unless we choose to make it so.
Bad days can be changed to good days when you think of your family, your future, your health, and the countless thousands of blessings in your life. Work problems, as emotionally expensive as they can be, are nothing more than pesky gnats in the light of all that is good and wonderful.
This afternoon our 11-year-old granddaughter Alex, who has Downs syndrome, visited her mother in the hospital. Lisa was hooked to all sorts of wires and lines and monitors and was hooked up to oxygen. Alex stopped in the doorway, took one look at her, and said, “Holy Mackerel, what are you doing?”
And with those words, one little girl managed to put things in perspective and show us that we always have to hang on to humor and hope and love. We have an awesome God and no matter what happens he is in control and his love for us is as boundless as the eternity he created.
Quote of the blog
Struggle is the stress that makes you strong, the pressure that produces perseverance, the experience that leads to wisdom, the trial that makes you tough, the challenge that leads to triumph, the battle to be the best, the race that you must run, the war that you must win. Nobody can do it for you. You must do it on your own. But you are not alone because... everyone goes through some kind of struggle. (Craig R. Miles, Allen, Texas)
And finally…
From the church bulletin: Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Also, the peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
<
Through all this the phone calls and emails have been abundant. As parents, her father and I are appropriately concerned and there are hundreds of people all over the country praying. Concern causes the voices of friends to be somber and quiet and attentive. No joking here. Things are serious.
Since Troy and I are smack dab in the middle of moving from our beloved Interior Alaska to city life in near-Anchorage, this Lisa news has put things in perspective. I’m not bothering to clean for the movers and will head south tomorrow. Troy declares he can handle the movers and all the rest of the moving ordeal himself. I know he can and that he will do a dandy job of it.
When you’re in the middle of “bad days” or “bad times” it’s easy to let it overwhelm you and take over. It’s hard to step back from it all and look at the whole of things and remember what is important and what isn’t. Work is a means to provide for the things that ARE important… spouses, children, grandchildren (and for me, church and God).
It is easy to get tangled up and stressed over things that aren’t worthy of the attention. Invariably, when we look back a couple of weeks later, we can see how insignificant these things were, how unimportant, how unworthy of the stress. Pretty much none of it is THAT important or THAT vital or even that upsetting unless we choose to make it so.
Bad days can be changed to good days when you think of your family, your future, your health, and the countless thousands of blessings in your life. Work problems, as emotionally expensive as they can be, are nothing more than pesky gnats in the light of all that is good and wonderful.
This afternoon our 11-year-old granddaughter Alex, who has Downs syndrome, visited her mother in the hospital. Lisa was hooked to all sorts of wires and lines and monitors and was hooked up to oxygen. Alex stopped in the doorway, took one look at her, and said, “Holy Mackerel, what are you doing?”
And with those words, one little girl managed to put things in perspective and show us that we always have to hang on to humor and hope and love. We have an awesome God and no matter what happens he is in control and his love for us is as boundless as the eternity he created.
Quote of the blog
Struggle is the stress that makes you strong, the pressure that produces perseverance, the experience that leads to wisdom, the trial that makes you tough, the challenge that leads to triumph, the battle to be the best, the race that you must run, the war that you must win. Nobody can do it for you. You must do it on your own. But you are not alone because... everyone goes through some kind of struggle. (Craig R. Miles, Allen, Texas)
And finally…
From the church bulletin: Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Also, the peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
<
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
